How I felt this morning when I woke up.

Never Let Your Past Stop You From Moving Forward

Everyday is a constant learning experience. I personally learn something new everyday.  As human beings we've all made mistakes from the time we were kids up until our current status of adulthood. The mistakes I've made as a child, teenager, young adult, to now, has molded me in many ways to be the woman I am today. I am certain I'm not perfect. No one is. If I were perfect, I definitely would've never done some of the things I've done, or still make mistakes today as I grow older. I believe mistakes are inevitable as are changes. The choices we make live with us everyday whether they are minor or major. We must accept the consequences of our decisions, take ownership, and learn from what ever choice we've made.

By the time I was a teenager, well...a lot of the time, I was too dumb to consider the fact I was even making a mistake. I felt that I could never be incompetent enough to make mindless, senseless decisions. I was such a narcissist. In my own eyes, I was "THE" perfect child. I believed I was not capable of doing any wrong. I didn't account for my poor decisions. Then..."Uh mistakes, What are those?" My parents, teachers, and most adults, were just talking, and why were they always tripping on me? With the exception of a few uncles, cousins, friends, and about three of my teachers. Their opinions seemed to matter to me. I'm not saying I didn't listen to my parents or other adults, because I did listen, their voices just did not register sometimes. Information went in one ear and out the other. I felt as if they didn't understand me. The only people that could relate to my everyday shenanigans were the few I named, they were whom I confided in most. They knew me. The real me, so I thought. I did not empathize with my parents. It didn't fully process that every adult had been all up in my shoes, that most of them had been there done that. 

Growing up in Oakland, I've seen a lot, done a lot, been through a lot. I cursed a lot, smoked weed, drank alcohol, cut school, had sex as a teen, ran away from home, you name it. I did way too much, I was slightly reckless, but still "feared" what my parents would do if they'd found out how irresponsible I was being. I must've thought I was grown or something. In hindsight back then I didn't know shit! Now at the age of 35, I can reflect and think of about a thousand mistakes or more I've made prior to the woman I've grown to be currently. I'm definitely not the naive little Oakland girl I used to be. We learn from trial and error. I was young, with my materialistic, sometimes smart mouth, rebellious ass. My mother had to deal with my consequences and the backlash of my poor decision making. Looking back today, I know my parents wanted me to learn things on my own. My parents taught us the importance of independence. There were plenty of  lecturing during family discussions that I can now relate to while having similar discussions with my children. Additionally I was merely acting out. Maybe if I would have made better choices the outcome of my consequences could've resulted in less complications. 

My mother was probably my biggest victim. In reality she really was the closest person to me. She supported me, encouraged me, and taught me a lot about being a strong woman. She dealt with all of me, yet she knew what to do to tame my ass frequently. Pippa Johnson didn't play that shit! Now that I'm grown with children of my own, I'm learning the many responsibilities of adulthood. Everyday I'm growing, maturing, trying to find my way. My grown self is now very aware there are consequences for every decision I make. The end result for every choice I make will effect everyone around me, mainly my children, I'm aware I must make mindful decisions. Yes, I have made poor choices grown and all that had its affects on my family a time or two. I've learned during those times I can't let my mistakes stop me from moving forward. I accept them as they come along and move on. No need to worry about yesterday's challenges. 

When we're young, we're just coasting through life without a care in the world. We never know the value or appreciate the value of our lives or others.

 I've gained an immense amount of knowledge from the mistakes I've made over time. I try not to live my life in regrets. If it were something that I did at that moment, it's something that I obviously wanted to do. I've learned if I've made a mistake it's ok. Breathe and do better the next time. I strive to apply my previous life's experiences to my everyday life. If it weren't for my life, the inevitable changes, ups and downs, bad times, good times, God's many humbling experiences, who knows where I would be today. Now I appreciate all the lectures, getting put on punishment for having low grades, the arguments, etc. I just know we shouldn't hold on to negative things from our past that may hinder us today. Meaning choices, mistakes, what ever it may be. When you know better do better. Don't let past or present mistakes stop you from achieving what ever your heart desires. 

Yes... Let's all make at least 1 person smile today.

To Date or Not to Date

As a single woman it can be difficult to date after being in a relationship. I am hard on myself when it comes to dating. I conflict with myself often with the idea of dating new people. I want to date at times because I miss the companionship. More often though I sometimes miss the notion of having a boyfriend, a friend, socializing, getting dressed up, companionship, going out, having fun, or hanging out with someone I can get to know on a personal level. I tend to have too many reservations and personal expectations when it comes to dating.  Am I being too hard on myself?

I was asked the question by a close friend, "why don't you date?" I didn't have a concrete answer on why. I gave more than one answer that probably didn't make sense. I guess you can say I was beating around the bush when it came to giving a definite answer. The question was harder to answer than I'd thought it would be. Deep down inside I cannot pin point or rationalize my own personal reasons for why I don't date. I presume in my own case, my reasons in my head are very logical. The question still remains partially unanswered. I needed to ask myself, dig deep, and come up with real answers to the question Lady KJ...why don't you date?

At first I didn't want to date anyone because I felt that I wasn't ready after my breakup. I'd previously been in a long relationship that may have potentially scarred me or that's what I'd tricked myself into believing. Initially I felt it was too soon to date, although after becoming single I did have a few male friends that I texted and even had a few casual encounters with over the years. I mean damn, I've been officially single since 2013. However, it still doesn't give me the urge to want to date. I've mentally tricked myself into believing that dating automatically turns into a relationship. I missed the part about dating that was supposed to be fun and casual.

Again I can only speak for myself when it comes to my own reasons for why I date or not. I have mixed emotions about dating often. I don't go out on dates because I feel that every man has the same intentions or maybe I assume intended sex will be the end result for why we went on a date in the first place. Are there any men that just want to hang out and has the same intentions I have? I guess I will never know until I shake the idea of all men are the same.  

Another reason I choose not to date is because the thought of getting to know some one new is hard for me. I am aware that all men are not the same, but when it comes to dating, what will make one person stand out from the other? It's my own fault half of the time because deep down inside I'm afraid to explore. As a single woman I shouldn't be afraid of companionship. Better yet, I shouldn't be afraid to step out and have fun. I always ask myself am I the only person dealing with my own repercussions because I have yet to step out of my own comfort zone?